Mark Sanford. David Letterman. And now Tiger Woods. 2009 seems to be “The Year of the Cheat”, doesn’t it? Well, no; after all, extramarital affairs are certainly nothing new, it’s just that three of the men caught were a governor, a late-night talk show host and a world-famous athlete, and with today’s media, we all know about it.
In listening to some of the myriad coverage of the Tiger Woods scenario on local sports radio, one of the hosts mentioned his wife asked him a pretty blunt question: “Why can’t men keep it in their pants?” In my mind, I’d say that’s a fair if over-generalized question. It just doesn’t have a simple answer.
Most people with any concept of romance knows what cheating is, but I’m going to define it anyway, at least vaguely: Cheating is when a partner in a romantic relationship has a sexual encounter with another person without the permission of the other. (Whatever you may think of the last qualifier, it is necessary as there are open relationships despite whatever restrictions whatever deity is said to have.)
So why do some men cheat?
I don’t know if the idea of monogamy predates religion or not, but it is certainly perpetuated and expected in part because of it. And as the main religious base of American society is rooted in the Abrahamic traditions, it is worth noting that at the time of the founding of Judaism and Christianity, not only was Earth’s population in Biblical times was a small fraction of what it is today, but a trip of fifty miles — a daily commute for many — would have been rare and unlikely for most alive at those times and very slow by modern standards for those who could make such a journey.
In other words, the number of partners someone alive two thousand (or for that matter, two hundred) years ago one potentially could meet is minuscule compared to today. The more you move, the more likely you are to make find another person you really connect with, whether it is a platonic friend or a romantic partner. That is why whatever I thought of Governor Sanford’s infidelities, I do believe he felt — and probably to some degree still feels — an deep connections with both his Argentine mistress and his wife.
There is also that oft-quoted “fact” that men think of sex every five seconds. If it has any root in reality, it is that a man may not think of sex for stretches at a time, but eventually he will have moments when he gives in into some fantasy in his mind, possibly for a few seconds, perhaps longer. Eventually the frequency and/or duration of the thoughts will cause a man to make a physiological and most likely physical response. What that response might be varies, but most often they are ones that won’t land a man in divorce court (and yes, you can make some very educated — and likely very correct — guesses).
Intelligence doesn’t matter, money doesn’t matter, looks don’t matter, age doesn’t matter — as long as the man’s libido works, the more worked up he is about sex, the worse his brain works until he does something about it. Whether or not what, say, Letterman did was as “creepy” as he described it, he almost certainly didn’t think that at the time; if he did, “creepy” took a back seat to the thought of, well, relief.
There’s one other thing I’d like to bring to your attention: If you look at other species in nature, the idea of a single lifetime partner is not exactly common. That makes quite a bit of sense if you consider that the goal of reproduction is the continuation of the species. The best way of accomplishing that goal is by combining genetic material in as many different ways as possible. And when it comes down to it, humans are animals.
I would argue that monogamy is not a natural or logical state. Think of it this way: To expect someone to not find someone other than their partner attractive only because they are in a relationship is ridiculous. To say that one person couldn’t love two different people deeply is also foolish; many people have multiple close friends.
A man who remains monogamous does so because there is something he values more than the pleasure he would get from having sex outside his relationship. Maybe he treasures his wife’s or girlfriend’s love and knows how much he’d hate to lose it. Perhaps his religious convictions come into play and that he wouldn’t want to incur the displeasure of God. It could be that he simply doesn’t want to see half of his things and future paychecks going her way if he gets caught. Maybe he’s the type of man who remains loyal no matter what, whether it is to a partner, a friend, a sports team or a company. It’s possible he may realize the likelihood of his entire world crashing down on him; I can’t say. But if you think about it that way, the reason many men do keep it in their pants outside their relationships is just about the same as why many women who are committed decide to keep their pants on.
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Infidelity
December 11th, 2009 | No Comments »Mark Sanford. David Letterman. And now Tiger Woods. 2009 seems to be “The Year of the Cheat”, doesn’t it? Well, no; after all, extramarital affairs are certainly nothing new, it’s just that three of the men caught were a governor, a late-night talk show host and a world-famous athlete, and with today’s media, we all know about it.
In listening to some of the myriad coverage of the Tiger Woods scenario on local sports radio, one of the hosts mentioned his wife asked him a pretty blunt question: “Why can’t men keep it in their pants?” In my mind, I’d say that’s a fair if over-generalized question. It just doesn’t have a simple answer.
Most people with any concept of romance knows what cheating is, but I’m going to define it anyway, at least vaguely: Cheating is when a partner in a romantic relationship has a sexual encounter with another person without the permission of the other. (Whatever you may think of the last qualifier, it is necessary as there are open relationships despite whatever restrictions whatever deity is said to have.)
So why do some men cheat?
I don’t know if the idea of monogamy predates religion or not, but it is certainly perpetuated and expected in part because of it. And as the main religious base of American society is rooted in the Abrahamic traditions, it is worth noting that at the time of the founding of Judaism and Christianity, not only was Earth’s population in Biblical times was a small fraction of what it is today, but a trip of fifty miles — a daily commute for many — would have been rare and unlikely for most alive at those times and very slow by modern standards for those who could make such a journey.
In other words, the number of partners someone alive two thousand (or for that matter, two hundred) years ago one potentially could meet is minuscule compared to today. The more you move, the more likely you are to make find another person you really connect with, whether it is a platonic friend or a romantic partner. That is why whatever I thought of Governor Sanford’s infidelities, I do believe he felt — and probably to some degree still feels — an deep connections with both his Argentine mistress and his wife.
There is also that oft-quoted “fact” that men think of sex every five seconds. If it has any root in reality, it is that a man may not think of sex for stretches at a time, but eventually he will have moments when he gives in into some fantasy in his mind, possibly for a few seconds, perhaps longer. Eventually the frequency and/or duration of the thoughts will cause a man to make a physiological and most likely physical response. What that response might be varies, but most often they are ones that won’t land a man in divorce court (and yes, you can make some very educated — and likely very correct — guesses).
Intelligence doesn’t matter, money doesn’t matter, looks don’t matter, age doesn’t matter — as long as the man’s libido works, the more worked up he is about sex, the worse his brain works until he does something about it. Whether or not what, say, Letterman did was as “creepy” as he described it, he almost certainly didn’t think that at the time; if he did, “creepy” took a back seat to the thought of, well, relief.
There’s one other thing I’d like to bring to your attention: If you look at other species in nature, the idea of a single lifetime partner is not exactly common. That makes quite a bit of sense if you consider that the goal of reproduction is the continuation of the species. The best way of accomplishing that goal is by combining genetic material in as many different ways as possible. And when it comes down to it, humans are animals.
I would argue that monogamy is not a natural or logical state. Think of it this way: To expect someone to not find someone other than their partner attractive only because they are in a relationship is ridiculous. To say that one person couldn’t love two different people deeply is also foolish; many people have multiple close friends.
A man who remains monogamous does so because there is something he values more than the pleasure he would get from having sex outside his relationship. Maybe he treasures his wife’s or girlfriend’s love and knows how much he’d hate to lose it. Perhaps his religious convictions come into play and that he wouldn’t want to incur the displeasure of God. It could be that he simply doesn’t want to see half of his things and future paychecks going her way if he gets caught. Maybe he’s the type of man who remains loyal no matter what, whether it is to a partner, a friend, a sports team or a company. It’s possible he may realize the likelihood of his entire world crashing down on him; I can’t say. But if you think about it that way, the reason many men do keep it in their pants outside their relationships is just about the same as why many women who are committed decide to keep their pants on.
Commentary relationshipsThis entry was posted on Friday, December 11th, 2009 at 5:43 pm and is filed under Commentary. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.